I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
sarcasm needs its own font
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
