My room smells like vodka and shame
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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