The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
