We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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