my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
