It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
