we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
