dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he was CRYING into my vagina
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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