I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it's great music for shaving your balls
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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