FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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