I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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