She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
