I think scott just propositioned me for sex
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
