The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
