connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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