I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
