a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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