Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
