Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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