I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
