Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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