I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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