I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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