I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
