somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Michael Bay diarrhea
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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