i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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