Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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