my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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