I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
