I cut my penus on the lid.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
