I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
