just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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