We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Ketchup is God's man juice
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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