I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
