I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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