Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
