I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
