I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
