My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
