Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
