There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
