I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
