I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
