bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
