I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
