omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
