Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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