He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
