This is not my ceiling
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
as a side note pls kill me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
