So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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