the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
